Your Self-Acceptance and Trust Lead You to the Top of Your Mountain - Part 3
Episode 12 Part 3
Hello and welcome to The Tricks of Trauma Program
And we’re back with part 3 of,
Your Self-Acceptance and Trust Lead You to the Top of Your Mountain
Trauma poses a significant threat to both our emotional and physical well-being. It shakes our fundamental sense of safety, and it ends up leaving us feeling profoundly afraid and vulnerable, angry and self-righteous. For many of those from the baby boomer generation, secure attachment to their parents was often missing, due to the societal shift that resulted from the Shockwave of World War II. In the aftermath of this war, there was a prevailing cultural emphasis on self-centered personal ambition shall we say, while presenting a facade of perfection to the outside world.
But before we go any further, let’s first define what secure attachment means: It occurs when a child emotionally bonds with their parent or caregiver in a stable and consistent manner. In these relationships, the child feels safe, seen, and supported by their caregiver, which allows them to explore the world with confidence, and to return to them for comfort and reassurance when they need it.
Securely attached children tend to exhibit healthy emotional regulation, as they have the skills and ability to recognize, understand, and manage their emotions in a constructive and adaptive manner. This involves being able to effectively cope with stress, maintain their emotional stability, and respond to situations with appropriate emotional reactions. This includes being able to express their feelings in a balanced way, and they can regulate intense emotions without becoming overwhelmed. Their decisions are made based more on rational or critical thinking, rather than allowing their feelings to dictate their choices.
Healthy emotional regulation also involves being able to communicate your feelings effectively, both with yourself and with others, and you can seek support when you need it to process and manage your emotions in a healthy manner. Children with a secure attachment to their parents, also develop strong interpersonal skills, and form trusting relationships later in life. When they securely bond with their parents, it fosters a sense of security and resilience, as it lays the foundation for healthy emotional development and overall well-being.
In psychology, attachment theory describes different patterns of attachment that individuals develop in relationships, particularly in early childhood with caregivers. The main attachment styles identified by psychologists are: 1) Secure Attachment 2) Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment 3) Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment, and 4) Fearful-Avoidant Attachment.
This theory gives us a window into how our early relationships shape our behavior and the way we connect with others later in life. But here's the thing: Placing labels on people and saying, "You're this attachment style, and you're that one," well that just oversimplifies things, and quite frankly in my opinion is pointless.
Yes, I know, it's tempting to point fingers and to diagnose your partner or friends with some attachment style, like they're Avoidant or Anxious. But let's get real - trauma affects us all in different ways. We're not just trying to fit ourselves into neat little boxes, and voila now we know what’s wrong with them. This is how you perpetuate the Not Enough Syndrome.
Instead of focusing on labels, let's dig deeper into our own experiences and start to notice how they influence our own behavior. Remember, trauma isn't a one-size-fits-all thing. It influences everyone differently, in many, many, well let’s just say countless different ways.
So, remember, you are not broken and you don’t need to be fixed. You are not suffering from a disorder either. You're dealing with the aftermath of trauma, like so many of us. And guess what? You can heal and overcome it, and transform yourself.
This is what the Tricks of Trauma Program is about. It’s your ticket to break free from your old patterns, so you can live your best life. It's about unleashing the badass within you – well what I mean is the best version of yourself that's been waiting to shine.
In contrast, when parents are consumed by their own anguish and demoralization, born from the harrowing trauma of World War II, their ability to empathize with their children became greatly diminished. Their attention became fixated on their own needs and emotions, as they strived to maintain the pretense of the perfect family to the outside world.
In other words, their unaddressed suffering and psychological wounds severely limited their ability to nurture and to provide emotional support for their children, leaving them with an insecure attachment. In other words, simply put, they did not emotionally bond with them.
Most individuals from the first and second generations after the war experienced a multitude of emotional struggles, including grief, uncertainty, resentment, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and the enduring effects of their own childhood trauma from World War II. As a result, the next generation of children grows up in the shadows of their parents' trauma from this war. Unfortunately, many of these adults lack the awareness to recognize how their actions are now impacting their own children. This perpetuates a cycle of pain, dysfunction, and toxic parenting that continues to ripple out inter-generationally.
Regrettably, the ability of these parents to be able to provide adequate care, and to foster secure attachment with their children is what becomes significantly compromised. The inherent emotional needs of their children, often took a backseat to their own pursuit of personal fulfillment and social validation.
This lack of secure attachment and emotional support during the formative years of childhood, leaves many people not only from the baby boomer generation, but many of us grappling with profound feelings of insecurity, loneliness, anxiety, and emotional distress throughout our lives.
The drive for more, for bigger, faster, and of course, the need to make more and more money, blinds many people as they pursue these goals, disregarding everything else in the process. And then there are many others who simply can’t cope with reality as they are shut down, and fall into the cracks of society, quite often under the influence of a substance.
So, what are some of the behavioral signs stemming from the generation of parents after the war, that perpetuated intergenerational trauma you might ask?
These parents viewed their children as not being independent individuals with their own unique identities, but rather they saw them as an extension of themselves. In other words, they saw their children as vehicles through which they could fulfill their own unmet needs and aspirations.
As a result, they only gave their support and validation when their child's success could serve to elevate their own status or boost their ego. When their children did meet their parents' lofty standards of success, they were met with approval and admiration, which ended up serving as a source of validation for the parents' own feelings of worth and accomplishments.
However, if the children fell short of whatever their parent’s expectations were, they were met with harsh criticism, feelings of inadequacy, and sometimes even neglect. In the eyes of these parents, their children were deemed "not good enough" if they failed to meet the rigid standards that were set by them. Love in such households was always conditional, and it was subject to the child's performance and willingness to conform and comply with the parents' ideals of what they deemed to be a "good" child.
This in turn creates an ongoing atmosphere of pressure and it is laden with expectations, leaving the children feeling as though their worth is only based upon their ability to meet these unrealistic standards that were set by their parents. And not because they breathe, and that they are worthy, valuable, and important as who they are. Why? This war had stripped away all reverence for life, and everything in its aftermath became disposable. Are you beginning to see where your misconceptions about yourself may have come from?
The absence of unconditional love, consistent support, and dependable care in childhood creates deep-seated insecurities and attachment issues in children. Why? Because it stems from the parents unaddressed influence of trauma. Children who are raised in such environments often carry a heavy burden of guilt and obligation into their adulthood, as they tirelessly strive to meet their parents' unattainable standards.
These standards, which are ingrained in them since childhood, become internalized and can then be perpetuated throughout their entire lives. In other words, it ends up shaping their relationships and how they see themselves. That is, until they confront their trauma and begin the process of healing.
Unfortunately, it was and it still is rare for parents of the first two generations after this war to recognize and address these damaging patterns. Their own upbringing, marked by the trauma of war and the societal values of the time, left them little room for introspection and emotional growth. Instead, they resorted to controlling and demanding behaviors, unknowingly perpetuating the cycle of trauma upon their offspring.
Despite their physical presence of being inside the home, these parents were emotionally unavailable leaving their children feeling neglected and unseen, which in turn caused them to emotionally shut down as well. These children learned to suppress their own needs and emotions, as they feared being rejected or criticized if they wanted to express themselves authentically. This emotional suppression is what led them to a profound sense of disconnection, feeling misunderstood, and lonely, even within the confines of their own family circle.
Many parents exhibited outright disrespect towards their children, failing to uphold even the most basic standards of kindness and courtesy. Their emotional volatility created an atmosphere of unpredictability and overreaction, where minor infractions could trigger dramatic displays of anger or disapproval. These parents were driven by a relentless desire to maintain control over their children's lives, dictating their actions and choices with little regard for their autonomy or individuality.
Guilt and financial manipulation were frequently used as tools of coercion, further cementing the power dynamic within the family. Children were made to feel responsible for their parents' emotional well-being, being manipulated into compliance through feelings of guilt or obligation. Financial resources were often used as leverage, with parents withholding their support or their resources as a form of punishment for their perceived disobedience or defiance.
This atmosphere of control and manipulation creates a toxic environment where children feel stifled and suffocated. Their voices are silenced, their needs ignored, as they struggle to navigate the demands and expectations placed upon them by their parents. The impact of this upbringing echoes through their lives, shaping their sense of self-worth, and their ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.
Many of these children, scarred by their tumultuous upbringing, find themselves grappling with deep-seated anger that colors their own approach to parenting. Some adopt a harsh and aggressive demeanor towards their children, mirroring the authoritarian style they had experienced themselves. Others, perhaps being careful not to repeat the same overt hostility they had endured, resort to passive-aggressive tactics such as the silent treatment or subtle acts of defiance.
And yet, some parents strive to give their children everything they themselves wished they had received during their own upbringing, swinging the pendulum way over to the other side. However, this well-intentioned approach can inadvertently create its own set of challenges, leaving the next generation to grapple with another pervasive form of trauma that proves challenging to address. Why? Because it's often perceived as virtuous, as they are being good parents to their children, and they also believe they are successfully breaking the cycle of dysfunction.
Communication within these families is often marked by a pervasive undercurrent of hostility, ranging from snide comments muttered under their breath to deliberate acts of forgetfulness serving as subtle forms of manipulation. Criticism in these families becomes a constant presence in these children’s lives, as toxic parents find fault in virtually everything their children do. This relentless barrage of negativity fosters a deep-seated sense of inadequacy, and it ignites the "Not Enough Syndrome" – a pervasive belief that no matter what they do, they will never measure up to their parents' standards or expectations.
Many parents, trapped in a cycle of manipulation and control, also resorted to twisting the truth in order to maintain a facade of righteousness, while at the same time casting their child in a negative light. They wielded guilt, denial, and belittlement as weapons, using them to coerce their offspring into compliance with their desires and demands. The Blame Game became a common tactic with these parents, as they persistently refused to acknowledge their own faults or shortcomings, and instead they placed the blame for any dysfunction squarely on their children's shoulders.
Their demands know no bounds, as they expect their children to drop everything and prioritize their needs above all else, regardless of the impact on their children’s schedules or well-being. This one-sided dynamic, places an undue burden on the child, fostering a sense of obligation and inadequacy as they struggle to meet their parents' unrealistic expectations, while sacrificing their own needs and desires in the process.
Some parent’s behavior may even cross the line into embarrassment, leaving their children feeling uneasy about being seen with them in public. Their unresolved trauma can manifest in acts of cruelty, including mocking, name-calling, and pointing out their children's flaws, even to push their buttons on sensitive topics. Boundaries were virtually non-existent, as they struggled to see their children as separate individuals with their own autonomy. This lack of respect for personal space could even extend to invasive actions such as opening their children’s mail without permission, and I am speaking of adult children, or showing up uninvited.
Their difficulty in acknowledging their children as independent adults often leads to intrusive questioning about their personal lives, followed by giving all kinds of unsolicited parenting advice. These behaviors, coupled with undermining remarks, continue to erode the sense of their children’s self-worth and autonomy, fostering a toxic environment of control and manipulation.
Many parents from this era also became enmeshed, forming an unhealthy reliance on their children for emotional support. They often crossed boundaries by divulging too much personal information, including secrets, marital problems, or even details of their sex life. In doing so, they place unrealistic expectations on their offspring to serve as their primary confidants and emotional caretakers.
Operating as if in constant competition or always needing to be right, these parents failed to celebrate their children's successes. Instead, they minimized their accomplishments or even ignored them altogether. This dynamic creates a skewed power dynamic within the family, where the parents' emotional needs end up taking priority over those of their children.
Engaging with these parents often results in a draining and unsettling experience, leaving you feeling physically tense and emotionally burdened. Painful memories may resurface, casting a shadow over your interactions with them and they affect every aspect of your life. With your own feelings being frequently dismissed or invalidated, it's understandable that interactions with your parents can easily trigger a range of negative emotions, including anger, shame, guilt, and profound sadness. And this can lead to estrangement.
Estrangement from family and parents is a complex phenomenon rooted in a multitude of painful experiences. It often arises from a history of abuse, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, where individuals have endured betrayal, neglect, or a pervasive lack of acceptance from their caregivers. These experiences do leave deep emotional scars that can lead to a profound sense of alienation and disconnection from family members.
Many individuals who have experienced estrangement grew up in households that were characterized by an authoritarian parenting style. This parenting approach was marked by rigid rules, high expectations, and a lack of any emotional warmth or empathy. Criticism, manipulation, and demands were commonplace, creating an environment where children felt stifled and unvalued. The trauma of World War II, with its widespread devastation and loss, further compounded these challenges, as parents grappled with their own unresolved emotional wounds and struggles.
After enduring years of mistreatment and attempting to mend these relationships, there does come a point in time where it becomes necessary to take a step back, and prioritize your own healing and transformation. Going "no contact" with abusive parents, or anyone else who is abusive for that matter, marks a pivotal step forward in your journey toward healing.
It provides a much-needed opportunity to gain perspective and to distance yourself from your toxic environment. This reprieve allows you to relax, release tension, and to escape from triggering situations. It offers the space for deep introspection, enabling you to see things from a new perspective. It's the opportunity you give yourself to redirect your focus inwardly, nurturing yourself, and gradually you guide yourself toward a new path, one step at a time.
Otherwise, the communication within your family fostering hostility, with criticism and manipulation if it is commonplace will continue. This relentless negativity will also continue to cultivate your pervasive sense of inadequacy, and you will continue to suffer from the dysfunction of the "Not Enough Syndrome.” This cycle of intergenerational trauma is what leads you to your self-abandonment, as you strive to justify your existence.
Let’s take a look at what it means when you abandon yourself:
1. You Are Not Valuing Yourself: Imagine growing up in an environment where your worth is constantly being questioned or dismissed. Every mistake you make is magnified, and every success you have is met with skepticism. Over time, you internalize these messages, and you come to believe that you are inherently flawed or unworthy of love and acceptance. As a result, you struggle to see your own value, as you constantly seek validation from others to fill the void left by your own self-doubt.
2. You Are Not Acting in Your Best Interest: Picture a scenario where your needs are consistently overlooked or ignored by those who were supposed to care for you. You learned to prioritize the needs of others, even at the expense of your own well-being. Whether it was sacrificing your own happiness to keep the peace at home, or putting your dreams on hold to support someone else's ambitions, you became accustomed to putting yourself last.
3. Lack of Self-Encouragement and Comfort: Close your eyes and imagine a time when you felt overwhelmed or alone, longing for someone to offer you a kind word or a comforting hug. Now imagine that person is you. Instead of offering yourself words of encouragement or comfort in times of need, you find yourself drowning in self-criticism and doubt. It's as if there's always this voice in your head telling you that you're not good enough, no matter how hard you try.
4. You Distrust Your Instincts and You Overthink: Think back to a moment when your gut instinct was trying to guide you in a certain direction, but you hesitated, second-guessing yourself every step of the way. Maybe you were afraid of making the wrong decision or worried about what other people might think. Whatever the reason, you found yourself paralyzed by indecision, unable to trust your own intuition.
5. You Seek Validation from Others: Picture yourself in a room full of people, as you desperately seek their approval and acceptance. You find yourself bending over backwards to please everyone around you, afraid of being rejected or abandoned if you don't measure up to their expectations. It's as if your worth is tied to their opinions of you, leaving you feeling constantly on edge and never quite good enough.
6. You Suppress Your Needs and Interests: Imagine a life where your own wants and desires always take a backseat to those of others. You find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no, afraid that you will disappoint or inconvenience those around you. Your own dreams and aspirations get buried beneath the weight of other people's expectations, leaving you feeling trapped and unfulfilled.
7. You Hide Parts of Yourself: Envision a mask that you wear every day, hiding the parts of yourself that you're afraid to show to the world. Maybe it's your true feelings, your deepest fears, or your most cherished dreams. Whatever it is, you keep it hidden away, afraid of being judged or rejected if you let your guard down. But with every passing day, the weight of that mask is growing heavier and heavier, and it is suffocating the real you beneath its facade.
8. You are Driven by Perfectionism and Unrealistic Expectations: Close your eyes and imagine a never-ending quest for perfection, where every mistake is magnified and every flaw is scrutinized. You find yourself striving for an impossible standard of success, afraid of falling short and disappointing those around you. No matter how hard you try, you never feel good enough, and you inadvertently trap yourself in a cycle of self-doubt and self-criticism.
9. Self-Criticism and Judgment: Imagine a constant flood of negative thoughts, tearing you down from the inside out. You find yourself focusing on your perceived flaws and shortcomings, unable to escape the voice in your head that tells you you're not worthy of love or acceptance. It's as if you're your own worst enemy, as you are constantly sabotaging your own happiness with relentless self-criticism.
10. You Suppress Your Feelings through Denial and Avoidance: Think back to a time when you felt overwhelmed by your emotions, desperately seeking an escape from the pain and discomfort. Maybe you turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms like denial or using substances, numbing yourself to the pain rather than facing it head-on. But with each passing day, you find the pain only grows stronger, leaving you feeling more isolated and alone than ever before.
11. You Don’t Act on Your Own Values: Envision a life where your actions don't align with your deepest beliefs and values. You find yourself compromising your integrity to please others or to avoid conflict, you know, you are afraid of rocking the boat or upsetting the status quo. But with each compromise you make, you feel a little piece of yourself slipping away, until you no longer recognize the person who is staring back at you in the mirror.
12. You Form Codependent Relationships: Imagine a relationship where your sense of self is intertwined with someone else's, leaving you feeling lost and incomplete without them. You find yourself sacrificing your own needs and boundaries to keep the peace, afraid of being abandoned or alone. But with every sacrifice you make, you lose a little more of yourself, until you're no longer sure where they end and where you begin.
13. Learned Behavior from Childhood: Picture yourself as a child, longing for love and acceptance from the very people who were supposed to provide it to you unconditionally. But instead of receiving the nurturing and support you so desperately needed, you were met with rejection and indifference. As a result, you learned to abandon yourself, by internalizing the message that you are unworthy of love and belonging. And though you may have grown up now, those childhood wounds still haunt you, shaping the way you view yourself and the world around you.
Emotional abandonment during childhood does leave a profound mark, that instill feelings of being unworthy and unlovable which become ingrained in your behavior and how you see yourself. Healing from trauma demands a journey toward embracing a new way of being with yourself - one that authentically reflects the real you, without the burdens of your past wounds and insecurities.
This is why accepting and understanding these symptoms of in enerational trauma is the first step toward healing and moving forward. While it may feel overwhelming to confront these deep-seated issues, it's important to acknowledge and to process them in order to break free from intergenerational trauma. Rather than trying to mold yourself into roles just to maintain the peace, or to avoid further emotional pain, it's important that you prioritize your own well-being, and begin to take self-care.
Regrettably, most parents of the first two generations after World War 2 as I mentioned, seldom recognized or addressed these damaging patterns. Their own upbringing, shaped by the trauma of war and prevailing societal values, offered them little room for introspection or emotional growth. Consequently, they unwittingly perpetuated their controlling and demanding behaviors and therefore the cycle of trauma on their children. Are you willing to pass on this legacy to your children and grandchildren?
In conclusion, navigating relationships with emotionally unavailable parents can be draining, unsettling, and an emotionally taxing journey, triggering a whirlwind of negative feelings. Acknowledging and processing your symptoms that are rooted in intergenerational trauma stand as pivotal steps toward healing and liberating yourself from these dysfunctional cycles. Delving into your journey of self-discovery and healing becomes not just a choice but in my opinion a necessity. Why? Because it offers you avenues for personal growth, resilience, and reconnects you with self. Let alone it transforms your future generations to come.
Yet, the shadow of these traumatic influences looms large, as it hinders your ability to fully embrace your self-acceptance and trust. Understanding the roots of this struggle is important, as it allows you to recognize why your innate abilities and inclinations seem to escape you. It's imperative to exit the Blame Game, as you come to understand that no one is at fault. Each person, whether parent or child, is doing their best with the knowledge they have in each moment.
This is a matter of expanding your awareness, and reclaiming your power to see what you are doing, so you can change it. No one else can change, fix, shape, or create your reality for you. While others can inspire, encourage, and support you, the ultimate responsibility lies with you to make the changes needed for your greatest benefit.
Are you starting to see how we're all in this big kettle of fish together? We're all explorers, in this grand adventure, navigating life's twists and turns side by side. Instead of blaming and pointing fingers, let's lift each other up and take the path towards reclaiming our worth and confidence. Let's rediscover and connect with our true selves and find inspiration in overcoming our challenges together.
So, let's wrap up part 3 of this episode with a story about Emily's journey to reclaim her sense of self amidst the shadows of her parents' trauma.
In the small town of Summerland, Emily's childhood was overshadowed by the echoes of her parents' trauma from World War II. Her father, Henry, had served on the front lines, witnessing unspeakable horrors that haunted him long after the war had ended. Her mother, Margaret, had endured the hardships of rationing and the constant fear of losing loved ones.
Growing up, Emily learned to navigate the delicate balance of her parents' emotional turmoil. Their own struggles with self-abandonment – such as her father’s stoic silence and then sudden angry outbursts, and her mother’s constant worry and nagging – left little room for Emily to explore her own needs and desires.
"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Margaret would often ask, her brow furrowed with concern, as Emily sat alone in her room, lost in her own thoughts.
"I'm fine, Mom," Emily would reply, forcing a smile to hide the turmoil she felt brewing beneath the surface. "Just tired, I guess," she lied.
But as the years passed, Emily couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness that tormented her soul. She longed to break free from the confines of her parents' trauma and the home she lived in, to forge her own path in life, but she didn't know where to begin.
It wasn't until she reconnected with Sarah, her childhood friend, that Emily began to realize the extent of her self-abandonment. Over cups of steaming coffee at their favorite café, Sarah shared stories of her own struggles with life at home and trying to find happiness and fulfillment in her life.
"I feel like I'm living someone else's life," Emily confessed to Sarah, her voice barely above a whisper. "Like I'm trapped in this endless cycle of obligations and expectations, and I never know when my father’s temper will erupt."
Sarah nodded sympathetically, her eyes filled with understanding. "I know exactly what you mean. It's like we're both living in the shadows of our parents' trauma, and we are afraid to step into the light and claim our own happiness."
As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, Emily and Sarah began a journey of self-discovery together, supporting each other through the ups and downs of reclaiming their true selves. They attended workshops, read self-help books, basked in the healing energy of nature and joined the Tricks of Trauma Program, as they shared their hopes and dreams with each other without fear of judgment.
"It's time to break free from the chains of our past," Emily declared one day, her voice was filled with determination. "And it’s also time to embrace who we truly are and to live life on my own terms."
And so, with Sarah by her side, Emily began to unravel the layers of self-abandonment that had held her captive for so long. She started journaling, rediscovering her passions, and setting boundaries with those who had taken advantage of her kindness.
And as she looked in the mirror one morning, Emily saw a reflection of someone she hadn't seen in years – a woman who was strong, confident, and unafraid to chase her dreams. And in that moment, she knew that she was finally on the path to healing from years of self-abandonment, as she embraced the life she had always dreamed of.
And now it’s your turn.
Until next time,
Take self-care.