The Pervasive Web of Constructs - The Reasons Why You Do What You Do - Part 3
Episode 11 Part 3
Hello and welcome back to Part 3 of The Pervasive Web of Constructs in the Tricks of Trauma Program.
As we go deeper into understanding our behaviors that result from trauma, our exploration is taking us further into the intricate maze of our psyche. In this chapter, we’ll discover more threads that answer why you do what you do, and how your choices and the decisions you make, are woven together by your constructs.
We will also zoom in and focus on the topic of sexual trauma, and later discover how anger creates the perpetrator behavior as a result of it. Get ready for an immersive experience that goes far beyond the surface. With each revelation I provide, you will discover new insights about your life, as we unravel the intricate patterns to help you understand yourself.
Join me as we navigate the twists and turns of your exploration as a fellow earth traveler, as we continue to uncover the mysteries that are hidden beneath the surface of who you think you are. It's a journey of self-reflection, discovery, and empowerment—that will expand your awareness so that you can gain deeper insights into your actions and behaviors. So, let's dive in and further explore the depths of why we do what we do together in part 3 of:
The Pervasive Web of Constructs – The Reasons Why You Do What You Do – Part 3
Let’s begin this episode with a story where we examine the life of a young lady named Susan. Her upbringing has been shadowed by trauma from sexual experiences. The repercussions from her dark past manifested as deep-rooted constructs influencing her perception of love and who she is. It's a topic that touches so many, many lives, and unfortunately, it ends up shaping our perspectives and beliefs in profound ways. Through the lens of Susan's story, we will probe deeper into the intricate interplay between trauma, self worth, and love. I trust you will appreciate her courageous journey in overcoming her past as Susan does come to reclaim her sense of the wondrous person she was born as.
Let’s begin:
Once upon a time, in a quaint town nestled between rolling hills, there lived a young girl named Susan. Like many children, Susan had dreams of love and happiness, but her innocence was shattered by a dark shadow that lurked in the corners of her childhood home.
From a tender age, Susan found herself entangled in a web of crossed boundaries. Her physical and emotional boundaries were disregarded, as she did not give consent to her transgressors to breach her limits of comfort and personal space. Her autonomy, safety, and her well-being were robbed by those who molested her, causing her much discomfort, distress, and trauma.
She yearned for the warmth of affection, the gentle embrace of love, but instead, she encountered twisted versions of these concepts. Behind closed doors, her boundaries were violated, her trust shattered by those who should have nurtured and protected her.
As she grew older, Susan's perception of love became distorted stemming from her traumatic past. She equated affection with pain, intimacy with fear, and sex with love. Her associations with affection were also intertwined with manipulation and abuse. In her mind, love was equated with control and possession, as she strived to be accepted but was met with constant devaluation instead. Why was this happening? She couldn’t understand why she kept involving herself with men who were emotionally abusive.
The echoes of her past rang through her relationships, leaving behind scars that tainted her understanding of love. She also believed that love meant sacrificing her own well-being to please others, and she endured further pain and suffering in the name of trying to gain acceptance and affection.
As Susan grew older, she continued to find herself in relationships that mirrored the dysfunction of her upbringing. Why? Because that was all Susan knew. She repeatedly drew men to herself that repeated what she knew to reflect those who created trauma in her early life. Susan was desperately trying to understand what was wrong with her? “Why do I keep attracting men who abuse me?” she cried. “What’s wrong with me?” she sobbed.
One day, Susan met a kind-hearted soul named Alex. Alex treated Susan with respect and care, unlike anyone she had ever known before. However, she struggled to accept Alex's love because it didn't fit her understanding of what love should be.
Consequently, Alex's genuine care and respect felt unfamiliar and quite unsettling to Susan. She couldn't comprehend that love could exist without strings being attached, without demands for her compliance or sacrifice. Thus, she struggled to accept Alex's love, fearing it was too good to be true, or even worse, a facade hiding his ulterior motives.
With time and self introspection, Susan began to unravel the layers of her past trauma and the constructs that had shaped her perception of love. She learned that true love isn't about pain or sacrifice; it's about mutual respect, understanding, and genuine appreciation for each other.
Through her journey of self-examination and healing, Susan unearthed a profound truth: love is not a battlefield to conquer, nor is it a two-way street filled with conditions. Instead, it's a profound connection rooted in self-acceptance and genuine appreciation of herself. As she truly embraced her own worth and recognized her inherent wondrousness, Susan came to realize that she was enough.
As she embraced this new understanding of love and began accepting herself, she found herself capable of forming healthy and fulfilling relationships. She came to realize that she deserved love that uplifted and supported her, free from the chains of past trauma and the constructs of devaluing ideas she had inherited.
And so, amidst the turmoil, a flicker of hope remained. Through the guidance of compassionate souls and the healing power of self-discovery, Susan began to climb up her mountain, on a journey to reclaim her sense of self-worth as she redefined her understanding of love in appreciation of who she is.
With every step forward, Susan confronted the ghosts of her past, dismantling the constructs that had held her captive for so long. She strategically placed dynamite around her disabling constructs, and blew up many of her ill-conceived ideas. Each and every blast moved her further into her power, as she shouted with great relief that, “love is not a battlefield, and it sure as hell doesn’t conquer all.”
Instead, love became transformed into a gentle breeze, a nurturing embrace that respected boundaries and celebrated her unique individuality. Like a child playing with building blocks, Susan embarked on the journey of reconstructing her self-perception. By integrating her newfound self-awareness and appreciation, she dismantled the old constructs she had been taught. With genuine love as her guiding force along with her newfound self-acceptance, she rebuilt her reality, one construct at a time.
Through her trials and tribulations, Susan emerged stronger, her spirit unbroken despite the storms she had weathered. With newfound clarity, she embraced the true essence of love—a beacon of light that lit the path to her healing and transformation.
And so, as the sun dipped below the horizon, painting the sky with a breathtaking array of golden hues, Susan stood tall amidst the tranquil beauty of the evening. Her presence, was a testament to the resilience inherent within our human spirit, as she radiated a quiet strength that echoed the transformative power of self-love.
In that serene moment, Susan found herself immersed in her inner journey, delving deeper into the recesses of her being. It was a profound awakening, a realization of her innate worth and the boundless potential that resided within her soul.
And so, as Susan faced herself and acknowledged her past wounds, she waved her magic wand of acceptance into the air. Her traumatic memories were moving into the new groove she was forming in the left hemisphere of her brain. And as she finally tapped those memories to the other side, it resulted in her past no longer bothering her. Through the acceptance of what happened in her life, as she waved her imaginary wand, she chuckled out loud and said “It doesn’t matter anymore. I love me and I am okay. I am finally free from my past.”
Susan could now see her trials and tribulations as pearls of wisdom, which she had faced and transformed. In other words, Susan emerged not as a victim, but as a victor over adversity. Her newfound understanding of herself illuminated her path forward, guiding her towards a future filled with promise and possibility. And as she gazed upon the world with fresh eyes, she embraced her true essence with a sense of profound gratitude and awe. Susan knew that her story was far from over – it was only just beginning, and she could now live contently ever after.
As Susan's story fades into the background, let’s shift our focus to our exploration of trauma and its profound effects on our perception and emotions. Susan's journey serves as a poignant reminder of the complexities inherent in our human experience, particularly in the context of sexual experiences. It's a topic that touches so many, many, many, lives.
Many people who have endured trauma linked to sexual experiences often find themselves caught in a distressing loop, reliving their painful past. Quite often they also repeat what happened to them with others. This pattern is alarmingly common, as survivors often construct narratives around their traumatic experiences. For many, there's a troubling tendency to trick themselves into believing that their traumatic sexual experiences were demonstrations of love, which further complicates their ability to express themselves authentically.
Consequently, they mistakenly interpret their perpetrator's actions as expressions of love, which only further entrenches their confusion and pain. They continue to repeat what they know, inadvertently traumatizing others. It is automatic for them to do so, until they come to see otherwise and begin to question themselves. This sheds light on why the victim/perpetrator dynamic happens, as both sides of the victim coin are drawn to each other because that is what they know.
Their misconception of love becomes a damaging tool in their emotional toolkit, influencing their actions and behaviors. Since they wrongly equate sexual expression with love, you can begin to see why they may continue perpetuating a cycle of misunderstanding and harm.
This highlights the importance of understanding the victim-perpetrator dynamic, without resorting to blame or judgment. Shockingly, victims of sexual trauma become perpetrators in half of all cases. Punishment, judgment, and blame, however, do not offer a solution. Finding a resolution is particularly challenging when victims are unwilling or lack self-awareness to address and heal from their trauma. This challenge is further compounded when resources for compassionate understanding and support are scarce, especially when dealing with the perpetrator who is not recognized as being a victim.
Our society grapples with a staggering prevalence of sexual assault, compounded by feelings of guilt, shame, and blame. Confronting and overcoming this epidemic may seem like an uphill battle, as societal responses often fall short of addressing the root causes. Mere incarceration of perpetrators fails to break the cycle, only serving to further traumatize survivors. It's imperative that those in the healing professions grasp the intricacies of the victim-perpetrator cycle to effectively support survivors on their path to recovery.
This is why it requires compassionate understanding, and it’s not for the faint of heart. Remember, when trauma grips hold of an individual, it always signals the feeling of anger, that can continue for years and years, fueling many destructive behaviors that perpetuate their perception of a dog-eat-dog world, where they fight to survive.
Now, on the other hand, the other half of survivors who have endured sexual trauma, tend to steer in a different direction from their violation. For many of them, participating in sexual activity becomes arduous, as they struggle to express their genuine passions. This difficulty stems from the belief that their own passions are somehow tainted by their traumatic past. Consequently, they stifle their sexual expression, exacerbating their emotional turmoil and inner conflict.
And as always, there are those who, as a result of this type of trauma, move in the opposite direction. They exhibit extreme sexual drive and engage in frequent sexual activity, often without becoming perpetrators themselves, yet they display overly sexual behavior. This phenomenon is what Freud termed "nymphomania." It's crucial to understand that individuals are not inherently born as nymphomaniacs; rather, they adopt such behaviors as a response to sexual trauma. While these individuals may not necessarily inflict harm on others in the same way that they were harmed, their behavior is still harmful.
Why? Because they are being harmful not only to themselves but also to other people, including their children. This perpetuates an unbalanced perception of sexual activity, influencing the child's behavior in either direction mentioned earlier. They may either shy away from sexual expression entirely or mimic their parent's excessive behavior. As the saying goes, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
Children learn primarily from observing what their parents' do, not what they say. Consequently, as they mature, they may attribute their excessive sexual drive to being a natural part of who they are, without considering the underlying trauma. This can pose significant challenges, especially in forming healthy, long-term relationships.
Remember, it's always about examining the behaviors you've developed in response to the influences of the trauma you've experienced. Even if you don’t have explicit memories of your trauma, you can still identify its presence by observing your behaviors. For instance, you may find yourself compulsively engaging in certain actions, or perhaps you tend towards overachievement or underachievement, or you might be driven by excess. These are all behavioral influences stemming from your past trauma.
Or, you might notice an excessive temper that seems disproportionate to the situations you find yourself in, or you may find yourself being excessively judgmental. These behaviors are learned responses, and they are not natural, or your inherent traits. You're not born as an excessively judgmental person; rather, you've learned to behave in this way. The next step is to examine how these behaviors may have led you to adopt the role of perpetrator.
When you are a victim, you are considerably not self-aware. Once you recognize your behaviors that are shaped by your experiences as a victim, your next step is to consider how your behaviors affect your interactions with others. It's about understanding how you communicate and relate to others based on these experiences.
Let’s consider when you are angry. When you get upset, triggered, and you are mad, you don’t necessarily want to stop being angry. And what does that lead to? Well, it influences how you act and behave in a significant manner. When you are angry, you don’t stop to dig into why you feel that way. Instead, you light a campfire and gather others to sit around it so they can echo what you are so upset about.
You want others to back up what you are saying, so you can connect with them, so they will reinforce and witness what you are so angry about. And if someone tries to change the subject to something happier, you’re not interested. When you're mad, you don't want someone to steer the conversation away from your feelings. This is what victims do when they are angry, they will pull the conversation back to them about whatever they are angry about. Remember this is part of the victim perpetrator dynamic, when the victim turns their behavior to be the perpetrator due to their anger.
It is crucial to recognize that anger may not necessarily always be obvious. It can be expressed in subtler ways, that sometimes are more insidious. At times, anger can manifest through a behavior of seeking to be indispensable or constantly needed. This is how they become a perpetrator. Why? Because they are still expressing that running anger, which psychology terms as being passive aggressive. It involves seeking validation or attention through presenting oneself as indispensable or overly helpful, while harboring underlying feelings of resentment or manipulation. This behavior can create dependency dynamics in relationships, and it often masks deeper issues or insecurities.
Even more perplexing is when the perpetrator exhibits compassionate behavior, adding to the challenge of recognizing their harmful actions. This pattern often persists unnoticed throughout their entire life. Why? Because they can’t see it, and their children are unable to identify it either. Consequently, the children will react with their own anger, irritation, or dysfunctional behavior, perpetuating a cycle of dependency. This behavior aims to encourage significant reliance on others, intensifying their confusion as they continue to perpetuate the harmful dynamics.
They often initiate this behavior with their own children, and it can extend to interactions with many other adults and children as well. Because they appear compassionate, it makes the situation much more difficult to address. In one of its most extreme forms, it is identified in psychology as Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, where the victim who is the perpetrator devises methods to cause illness in their children.
Why do they do that? So that they can take care of them, which is why they are poisoned very slowly as they don’t want to kill their children. They just want to keep them and take care of them and fix them. This dynamic creates a tremendous dependency, and in turn makes the perpetrator feel very important? Why? Because they are so desperately needed by someone.
The poisoning of their child stems from their unresolved anger, yet they quickly shift into a caretaking role, oblivious to the harm they're causing. They are actually not aware that they are poisoning their child. It's challenging to grasp, as one might assume it's quite obvious that they're using poison or other harmful substances. However, their perception is deeply skewed by their own victimization experiences. They lack the conscious awareness of their actions. Many genuinely believe they're concocting medication for their child, whether it's with bleach, arsenic, hemlock or rat poison.
This type of rage isn't expressed overtly with aggressive tones or outward anger as you can see. Instead, it simmers beneath the surface, manifesting in very passive-aggressive behavior. The victim/perpetrator does not feel the signal of anger, due to extreme dissociation caused by past trauma. The poison and chemicals they use become their outlet for this suppressed rage. However, incarcerating or institutionalizing them fails to address the root cause, and lacks compassion for the complex dynamics at play. It's a stark example of how trauma can manifest in extreme ways.
In less severe cases, the perpetrator may encourage dependency in their children without necessarily incapacitating them. You will notice they often excessively dote on their children, portraying them as unable to defend or take care of themselves. Consequently, they encourage their child to adopt a victim mentality when interacting with others. This sets the stage for the parent to swoop in and rescue them, in other words, to save them, which reinforces a cycle of dependency.
As these children mature, the parent's caretaking does evolve to meet their children’s changing needs. Even as adults, the children may still rely on the parent for financial support or other forms of assistance. This ongoing dynamic reinforces the belief that the adult child cannot function independently without the parent's support. In essence, the adult child has become conditioned to believe that they are dependent on the parent for care and support, and they often become paralyzed with fear to strike out on their own. Do you remember the story of Snowflake in episode 7?
Let's examine the contrasting effects of trauma on women and men, leading to how their behaviors differ. Women who exhibit extreme sexual activity often find themselves never satisfied. How is this the behavior of a perpetrator? Their insatiable appetite for sex makes it almost impossible to remain faithful to their partners. They struggle to maintain a monogamous and committed relationship. Additionally, their constant pursuit of sexual gratification interferes with their capacity to form lasting connections with others, including friendships.
Men who are also overly sexualized, will also be unfaithful. But in contrast they may deceive the female into believing they are faithful, and want to continue their relationship together, when in fact they don’t. It’s not that they truly don’t want to, but they can’t because of the sexual drive factor that interferes with forming a healthy relationship.
Let's explore another instance where the victim adopts the role of the perpetrator. Once again, this is what psychologists refer to as passive-aggressive behavior. An
example is when someone enters a room where another person is listening to their music. Despite maintaining a pleasant tone and smiling, they heave a deep sigh and comment, "I don’t understand why you like this music." While their words may seem innocuous, their underlying energy reveals judgment and irritation, which can be confusing to the other person. People do this quite often, you know, use a pleasant tone while they smile, and behave in a passive-aggressive manner.
This is what makes it difficult because they don’t think they are being aggressive. After all they are smiling and being pleasant about it, yet they are showing their aggression camouflaged in a loving way. Which once again, does not fit the definition of love.
Now that doesn’t mean that they don’t genuinely care about the person, they do. Even the person who is poisoning their child, in their distorted perception care about them. They actually believe that they love them and would not hurt them in anyway. They actually don’t see what they are doing. The same applies with those who create dependencies, they don’t see it either, as they believe they are being helpful.
Let’s look at one of the reasons that victims of domestic abuse stay longer than they should, as I did, and don’t leave the relationship for a considerable time framework. So why do they do this? Well, it is because the person who is abusing them is always apologizing and telling them they are sorry. They genuinely don’t see their abuser as being a bad guy or a perpetrator. Why? Because they believe that they didn’t mean to hurt or harm them, and they are very sorry. And they are truly sorry.
They really don’t mean or intend to harm or hurt the other person. But remember, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t causing harm to the other person. This is what is insidious and baffling, because they don’t have the intention to do harm. It all becomes so twisting and confusing. The problem is even when their anger is out in the open, they can’t seem to stop being angry until they have worn themselves out. And if they're using substances, it only makes things worse.
Many people turn to substances to cope with trauma. They think it helps them manage their pain, but it only numbs their emotional state temporarily. As soon as the high wears off, those emotions come back and move in the opposite direction. Many even continue using until they pass out. If they aren’t using any substances, they will just keep being angry until they are too exhausted to carry on. And by that time, they have inflicted significant damage.
Then there are those who aren't necessarily violent towards others, but they do have a tendency to lash out in destructive ways. Instead of physically harming others, they may punch a wall, or resort to throwing objects or breaking things in their environment. It's like their anger is so intense that they need to release it somehow, and unfortunately, it often manifests in damaging property.
On the flip side, some individuals may channel their anger inwardly, leading to behaviors like hoarding and living in extremely unsanitary or cluttered conditions. It's as if they're trying to contain or hide their anger, but it ends up manifesting in their physical surroundings. In both cases, these behaviors are ultimately driven by unresolved anger and emotional turmoil.
There are numerous ways, and I mean numerous, numerous, numerous ways, in which victims transition into becoming perpetrators, and addressing this aspect of healing trauma is incredibly challenging. It's essential to understand that no one is to blame, and it's crucial to refrain from judging these behaviors as being inherently bad, immoral, evil, deplorable or even criminal.
These actions all originate from trauma and are often enacted without the victim being fully aware of what they are doing. Why? Because they are operating on autopilot until they begin to question themselves, and notice their actions and behaviors, and what they are doing. I truly hope they can come to know they have the power to change and heal their experiences.
Remember all these behaviors of victim and perpetrator, are still victim. Therefore, this involves so much more that the idea that someone is doing something harmful to someone else, or that they intentionally want to be harmful. This is not the case. This is about genuinely looking at the different aspects of the victim dynamic, which includes the role of the perpetrator, in order to understand why they do what they do, without blame or judgment.
Remember no one copes in relation to trauma. Coping with trauma is not about finding a single way of dealing with it either; rather, it's about navigating the various ways we react to our experiences. Each person responds differently, influenced by their unique personality and their perception of the events.
Understanding this is crucial because many individuals who disassociate may believe they are effectively coping with their trauma. While it may seem like they are managing, they are actually disconnecting from their emotions to such an extent that they don't feel much at all. Many no longer receive the signal of anger. They may even convince themselves that their emotional numbness is a sign of strength, a testament to their ability to overcome their past experiences.
However, this presents a significant problem. Why? Because as they grow older, they internalize the belief that their emotional detachment is a positive trait. Consequently, they may struggle to recognize the extent of their trauma, or acknowledge their roles as both victim and perpetrator. They fail to see the connection between their behaviors and their past experiences, viewing themselves as relatively unscathed and untouched by their past.
This mindset can lead them to dismiss their experiences as just being normal and they perceive themselves as "just fine." They may believe that since they've made it this far in life without major issues, there's no need to address or delve deeper into their past traumas. And unfortunately, that is never to their greatest benefit.
Children are remarkably resilient when it comes to bouncing back from life experiences, but they are not resilient to trauma. As children grow older, they may encounter challenges in expressing themselves. For those who are very sensitive, trauma can lead to heightened vulnerability, as they can be easily fractured. But it can also lead some to move in the opposite direction, and they become disassociated instead.
The reason for children's resilience lies in that they may not have any, or as many constructs, as compared to we as adults. Children live in the moment and don’t express anticipation for what may happen in the future. This is why many children repeat behaviors despite facing disapproval or consequences from their parents, teachers, or authority figures. They simply repeat their behaviors, because they are not thinking about what can happen to them.
In contrast, adults do tend to project into the future, anticipating consequences, which diminishes their resilience compared to when they were children. However, when children experience trauma, their resilience diminishes significantly because trauma permanently affects them. Additionally, many individuals create a shield around their traumatic experiences, further complicating their ability to cope with trauma.
Let's pause here and take a moment to emphasize the critical importance of exiting the Blame Game. To address your psychological wounds effectively, it's crucial that you stop judging yourself, although I have to admit, it is very challenging. Yet, this is an extremely important step in your healing journey, and you will have much support in the Tricks of Trauma Program, as we delve deeper into these methods, I have outlined so far to help you do so.
I also understand the difficulty in refraining from judging those who have inflicted abuse or trauma upon you, thus perpetuating your sense of victimhood. However, the first step is to stop the cycle of blame without excusing their actions. By doing so, you're not excusing what they did, but rather you stop holding them responsible for your reality.
Similarly, you must extend this understanding compassion to yourself, recognizing that you may not excuse your actions either, while you also recognize that you should not judge or blame yourself. You were doing the best you could with the awareness you had at the time, and so are they. You cannot expect yourself to do more than that.
As you reflect on your experiences with your newfound awareness, you're well on your way to climbing to the top of your mountain, unfolding your magnificent transformation as you heal from your trauma.
As we draw part 3 of this episode to a close, it's important to acknowledge the resilience that is inherent within ourselves, once we dismantle and blow up our constructs that tell us otherwise. Despite the weight of our discussions on trauma, it's essential to recognize the strength and courage it takes to confront these challenges head-on. Remember, healing is a journey, and each step forward brings you closer to wholeness and liberation from the chains of your past.
With perseverance and self-compassion, we can navigate through the darkest depths and emerge into the light of healing and transformation together, one person at a time. Remember, no matter what happened to you, or what you did, it has absolutely no reflection or any bearing on your inherent birth right, as a glorious wondrous explorer of your reality. You are always and forever worthy, valuable, and important, because you breathe.
Until next time,
Take self-care.