Emotions, Feelings, and BANG, BANG, Those Nasty Triggers - Part 3
Episode 10 Part 3
Hello and welcome back to part 3 of
Emotions, Feelings, and Bang, Bang Those Nasty Triggers
of The Tricks of Trauma Program
Get ready for an enthralling journey into Part 3 of this episode. But before we begin, I would like to share an engaging story that captures the concepts we explored in Part 2. So, settle in, relax, and let the story unfold—as together we untangle the complexities of our feelings and emotions, guiding us to a deeper understanding as we continue with part 3 of this episode.
Once upon a time, in the realm of personal transformation, Karen found herself facing challenges that left her questioning, "Why did this happen to me?" Whether it was her broken relationship, physical injuries, or the daily struggles of life, the universal question of "WHY?" echoed through her mind. She, like many others, sought answers to fix the seemingly broken aspects of her life.
In her quest for solutions, Karen realized that constantly asking "why" wasn't leading to clear answers. It was like watching a dog chase its tail, an endless loop without getting anywhere. The real magic, she discovered, unfolded when she shifted her question from "Why do I do that?" to "How am I doing that?" By delving into the 'how,' unexpected insights about herself emerged.
Karen observed that the persistent questioning of "why" only kept her stuck in patterns formed during her experiences with trauma. Frustration and self-blame ensued, leading to a cycle of seeking external answers. The conventional approach of asking, "How can I fix this?" or "What's the answer?" only kept her compartmentalized and away from true healing.
The breakthrough came when Karen embraced a new perspective – the revelation that the answer was not about seeking specific solutions but by living in the present moment. Being present meant not fixating on how to change her boss, partner, or external circumstances. Instead, it involved becoming more satisfied, comfortable with herself, and happy being in the now moment.
To break the pattern, Karen introduced a vital tool into her Tricks of Trauma Bag. And what was that tool you might ask? Well, – the Magic Wand of "IT DOESN'T MATTER." Waving this wand meant neutralizing judgment, stopping the opposing energy, and acknowledging whatever it was without labeling it as being good or bad. Karen found that this shift in her perception was an important key to creating her reality, and it led her to acceptance of what it is.
The true answer to all her questions, problems, challenges, and difficulties, Karen realized was in understanding that she had to start looking at what she was paying attention to. By shifting her focus away from what she didn't like or what made her uncomfortable, she began paying more attention to herself. And so, she began by asking, "WHAT AM I PAYING ATTENTION TO?" and this how Karen initiated a transformative process.
As she moved away from comparing, complaining, judging, and controlling, she embraced a mindset of acceptance and trust in herself. The key to finding peace, satisfaction, and happiness, she discovered, lay in letting go of the need to be right or to control everything. This shift in focus allowed Karen to radiate a relaxed and very calm energy, leading to unexpected and meaningful connections with others. The answers she was seeking, well as if by magic, they began to reveal themselves.
And as I mentioned, once again, with the Magic Wand of "IT DOESN'T MATTER" and the question "WHAT AM I PAYING ATTENTION TO?" once she put them in her arsenal, Karen embarked on a journey of self-discovery, breaking free from the victim vortex, as she began embracing the power of the present moment. The answers she sought were no longer elusive; they were found in the magic of her self-acceptance, trust, and her shift in focus. And so, the story of Karen's transformation became a beacon of inspiration for other fellow earth travelers, who are also navigating their own paths of healing and self-discovery.
So, there you have it, folks – the cosmic comedy of "Why, oh Why?" and the spellbinding saga of the "IT DOESN'T MATTER!" wand.
And now let’s begin part 3.
In our ongoing reflections on the state of the world, we often overlook the idea that our world is a reflection of our actions. Yet, this is the blueprint of our reality. Despite this, we continue to persist in directing our attention toward what we wish to avoid, and we dwell on what makes us uncomfortable, as we incessantly express our dissatisfaction. As a result, we justify our discouragement, convincing ourselves that there's little we can do; life is short, so why not just enjoy the party? We, hold the belief that our options are scarce, and so we adopt a victim mentality, proclaiming, "What can just little old me do?" It's this mindset that keeps us swirling in the victim vortex of our own reality.
If you are focusing on the outside, you are not addressing yourself. You must realize that your manifestations are a projection. They are not who you are. Your worth is your worth within you, for your being. It does not depend on whatever is outside of you. This is why you must move into acceptance of yourself as you come to see that you are glorious within your very existence, and that you require nothing more. There is nothing to prove, improve, or even attain. You are worthy simply because you breathe.
This is why it is so important to acknowledge your disappointment, the let downs, regrets, dissatisfaction, whatever it is, and to DO those 4 steps, as you wave your magic wand, and you cast the spell of IT DOESN’T MATTER. Otherwise, your unacknowledged feelings become energy that is held and you fill up your energy container. This held energy when you don’t recognize it, will express itself.
How you might ask? Well, you may crash your car, hammer your foot, become very scattered in your thinking, you notice you have a short-temper, and you disconnect from your world as you push it away. Remember, acknowledgment is the action of defining and accepting whatever it is. It is your magic wand to keep these unwanted manifestations at bay. When you acknowledge what you feel you release the energy immediately. Also remember, that you don’t have to like whatever it is in order to accept it.
Whether it is a situation you are in, what you or someone else is doing, perhaps a feeling you have, whatever it is, once you pay attention and define what it is, you then acknowledge it for what it is. This is why acknowledgment is such an important and powerful tool in your Tricks of Trauma Bag. Why? Because remember what I mentioned in Episode one, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
In our world today, as per my observations, many, many, and once again, I do mean many fellow earth travelers, primarily allow their feelings to dictate their behavior and also the decisions they make in their life. Consequently, addressing trauma requires a nurturing touch, as it entails navigating through profoundly triggering and emotional components.
When you become aware and notice what you are feeling, that becomes a pivotal moment in healing trauma. Operating and making decisions rooted in your feelings, remember is never to your greatest benefit. Why? Because it reinforces the profound influence that your feelings have on your behavior. This is why we use the expression, that your feelings are dictating your choices and your decisions, and not you.
Unfortunately, many people mistake their impulses to be their emotions and feelings, which they may blindly follow. This can lead to creating situations that are indeed quite uncomfortable, and can even be abusive. Allowing your feelings to dictate your choices, is not what is meant by the importance of following your own natural impulses, and does need to be clarified.
An impulse is the language your soul or your essence expresses, to communicate with you, as is your intuition. Your essence speaks softly, in a quiet voice that you can hear. It gently nudges you in a direction that is always to your greatest benefit. And each and every one of us, have many essences who assist us during our exploration here on earth.
We historically have referred to them as our guardian angels.
Are you listening to your own inner guidance? Or are you allowing the rage and storm of your feelings to drown out your inner voice? Are you allowing whatever you feel to dictate your choices, with little care as to how you are impacting yourself or those you interact with? Justifying your behavior because well, you just can’t help how you feel. And it is super important to pay attention to yourself, when you are triggered. Why? Because in our world today it seems to be very common for people to blame what the other person is doing for triggering them. This is quite problematic to say the least.
So, what do we do? Once again it is about your awareness of self. Instead of paying attention to just the trigger, you need to stop paying attention to what the other person is doing. STOP doing that. Why? Because you are not paying attention to your own behaviors and your own feelings. All you are doing is blaming someone else for why you are triggered. If you are triggered and you do erupt and you are full of rage and anger, spewing it at the person who you accuse of triggering you, ask yourself “What are you feeling?”
1) What is making me you so angry?
2) Where within yourself are you so angry?
3) What is motivating you to be so angry?
4) What is creating that anger?
When you stop and ask yourself those questions, you interrupt your pattern of blame, and you vanish the outside person and whatever they are expressing, and you stop making them be responsible for making you feel so angry, or whatever you identify as the feeling. Do you remember when in episode 8, I mentioned this is when you can also wave your magic wand, and simply vanish the other person, so that you can regain your composure. And as you make these realizations, you come to understand that whatever or whoever it is, that served as your trigger, that trigger belongs to you. You own it, and you exit the Blame Game.
Remember, when you move your attention to finding something to appreciate, that shockwave from your trigger, which caused you to become overwhelmed, distressed, sad, angry, or feeling helpless, can also but in a moment create a feeling of gratitude, of wonder, of happiness, and satisfaction. You are not designed to hold onto your feelings.
Feelings are designed to simply be a signal, to alert you of an emotional communication about what you are doing in the moment. Feelings are not meant to be held onto, to be wallowed in, soaked up, be engulfed by, or even drowned in. Feelings are a signal. Stop and ask yourself “What am I feeling?” I am feeling mad. Okay you have acknowledged the signal. I am mad.
Now ask yourself what are your emotions communicating, to give you the signal about whatever you are mad about, with regards to what you are doing in the moment? And once you have answered that, the feeling will dissipate, and you will stop feeling mad. So, you see, Abracadabra, you have now addressed your feeling. Therefore, you have acknowledged that you are mad because you have stubbed your toe. Or you are mad because your Aunt Martha called you a lazy sod. And you accept it. IT DOESN’T MATTER. Otherwise, your anger will toss you out of your captain’s seat, and you will no longer be steering the wheel of your attention. Why? Because your feelings have taken over, and they are now steering you into stormy waters.
Ahhh, but remember, hold on, there's hope! Enter the magical tool in your Tricks of Trauma Bag – the enchanting "IT DOESN'T MATTER!" wand.
Abracadabra, presto change-o! Wave it like you just don't care, and watch as you magically transform your perception. It's like pulling a rabbit out of a hat, only the rabbit is your newfound ability to neutralize judgment and to stop playing the blame game.
Otherwise once again, you are caught, swirling in the victim vortex, as your feelings rule over you. You are left immobilized, unable to choose to move in the direction you truly want to go in. And you are stuck on your mountain, as you allow your feelings to be hurt, by what other people say, playing the BLAME GAME. And as you allow your feelings to take over and control you, once again, what happens? You crash somewhere that, well shall we say, may not be too warm or tropical. There is no sandy beach in sight to enjoy a picnic and a swim.
Therefore, you stop. You notice and allow the pounding, even at times the crashing waves of your feelings to move back into calmness. How? You acknowledge their existence, and you feel them, without trying to fight, ignore, fix, or repress them. FEEL your feeling, whatever it is, with no judgment, and allow it to ebb so you can flow as you keep your attention on yourself. You grab hold of your steering wheel, and you begin to make choices that are not being swayed by your fleeting feelings and moods, and you continue to move up your mountain once again. To create what it is you truly desire. What makes you comfortable. What your definition of success is. For once again, you are worthy because you breathe.
Unfortunately, we are living in a time when we as fellow earth travelers are highly reactive in our world. Instead of participating and contributing to create it to our greatest benefit, and for those we come across. Individuals who are following their feelings and letting what they feel choose what happens to them, instead of steering their ship in the direction they intend to go, well I am afraid is what has led to so many of our societal issues today.
Many of us point fingers at the external world, attributing our struggles to outside forces, without realizing our actions contribute to our own self-sabotage. It feels like external influences, someone's words or actions, are always the cause of our frustration and anger. Instead of recognizing our emotions and taking responsibility for our own triggers, we remain entangled in the blame game. We keep spinning on the wheel of life, kind of like playing roulette, hoping that lady luck or someone will come to rescue us, all the while our actions and behaviors are being dictated by our feelings.
Can I take a moment to offer just a little bit of advice, that may not be too easy to swallow at first? There comes a moment when you have to come to realize – no one is on their way to rescue you. It's time to stand up, dust yourself off, reach out, take my hand, and connect with others who are also facing their own struggles and challenges. Together, we can navigate our journey of self-discovery, as each of us is longing for not only reconnection with ourselves, but with others as well, as we foster a genuine appreciation for who we are.
Otherwise, you might just end up somewhere totally unexpected as I did like in Botswana instead of good old Pleasantville – and that's what happened to me when I crashed my ship and got hit with a cancer diagnosis. All because I brushed aside those deep-seated feelings rooted in my family trauma. I allowed those feelings and emotions to hang around, until they decided to show up in the form of a serious health problem. It took getting hit with the "C" word for me to finally face and deal with the baggage of my long-standing trauma.
That's why I strongly suggest acknowledging each moment of your existence, taking charge of your life like a captain at the helm, so that you can steer your ship in the direction you desire. That way, you can discover your own metaphorical sandy beach, bask in the sunshine, and take a refreshing swim, and avoid ending up in Botswana like I did.
Keep in mind that when someone's words hurt you, there is a part of you that also believes that what they're saying is true. Otherwise, you wouldn't be affected or react. You wouldn't reciprocate by trying to hurt them, or match their energy, or even seek revenge. The situation wouldn't matter because you've moved past the "I AM NOT ENOUGH" syndrome, and you've stepped out of the Blame Game, because you have ACKNOWLEDGED it.
Now, let's delve deeper into understanding what triggers are and why they happen. Gaining insight into their workings might offer you a smoother exit out of the Blame Game, the next time a trigger invokes an emotional response, and BANG, BANG, it causes you to lash out at the person you think triggered you.
Triggers are formed by your body, acting as the repository for all of your memories. In contrast to common belief, memories aren't exclusively stored in the brain. The challenge arises because the consciousness of your body can’t differentiate time. This is why you can experience ‘then feelings’, that are emotions from your past, that are still influenced by trauma and triggers.
When your body reacts to someone or something, it could even be a scent or a particular gesture like how someone wags their finger, or rolls their eyes at you, it's responding to a familiar aspect that is linked to your past traumatic experiences.
In other words, when you experience that abrupt impact, you know, the "BANG, BANG," and a flood of distressing emotions overwhelms your body due to a trigger, it happens because the body does not distinguish time. It reacts as if the traumatic event is happening in the present moment, resurfacing those intense emotions. To protect you from directly reliving the trauma, your body activates a defensive mechanism, yet the trigger is what lingers. Why? Because the memory remains. Your body is responding to the trigger, acting as a reminder of a stored memory.
In this process, when you authentically engage with the body consciousness about a traumatic experience, it uses your senses to integrate present information. Such as it will note your current surroundings, the temperature, the time of day, what season it is, and the ongoing environment. This allows your body consciousness to log this present information, and it can now distinguish it from the past, and this is what ultimately leads to the dissipation of the trauma.
Now this does not mean that you will never be triggered again, because you do hold memory and triggers are part of memory. What it does mean is that you will experience being triggered very differently now. What happens is you may experience a trigger even after you have addressed a trauma memory, but you now instantly know what it is. You can immediately identify and recognize the feeling. Therefore, this is the benefit of addressing to your trauma.
And how do you address it? Once again, acknowledge what you are experiencing. That means acknowledge the position that you are in now and stop fighting with it. Stop opposing what happened. Move yourself in the direction of what you do want to do, and what you do want to experience, and not just think about it, but do it. This process then allows you to move away from from your trigger, and voila you have neutralized it.
This doesn’t mean that you have to look at every memory that you ever had. You can recall one memory and use it as the symbol to represent all of your other experiences. So, how can you know when you have addressed them? Your behavior will change. What used to annoy or bother you, will no longer do so. It is no longer important to you and you stop caring. Hey, IT DOESN’T MATTER. Why? Because the emotional charge stops.
You can now speak about your trauma and not feel all the tension, and the charge is gone. Your nervous system stops generating that electric shock to your body, which is what makes your intense reaction so quick, and it holds it, when you are triggered. You may still have some sort of feeling about what happened to you, because of your judgment of that being a bad experience, but the impact of it has faded. It stops happening to you.
When someone you're engaging with is triggered and unleashes a barrage of rage and anger, it's critical to recognize that it's their trigger at play, and for you not to take it personally, as it's not about you either. Step back, take a deep breath, and acknowledge and accept their behavior for what it is. IT truly MATTERS NOT. IT DOESN’T MATTER. And I do have to admit, this isn't easy to practice, but it's essential to continue to practice until it becomes second nature. Remember, look at it just like you are honing a new skill.
This is what you must digest and assimilate.
And as you practice, what is happening is you are creating new neural pathways in your brain. As a result, you are expanding your awareness, and healing your trauma. Why? Because you are creating new memories and associations, as you come to understand why you do what you do. And now you have the power to change it.
Let's end this discussion on evaluating and addressing your trauma by considering these steps:
1) Identify your expressions.
2) Examine your influences; evaluating your behavioral influences is a crucial step, to the next one which is,
3) Reflect on how you interact with others.
4) Consider how you present yourself.
5) Explore the areas where your judgments tend to fall.
6) Analyze what triggers your anger or frustration, what makes you mad.
7) Reflect on aspects of your life that bring you dissatisfaction.
8) Examine subjects where you express strong judgments.
9) Assess your levels of tolerance and intolerance, and remember that however you are directing your intolerance, reflects where you are directing your anger.
As you uncover your role as a victim which also includes perpetrator, it is vital that you don't pass judgment on yourself. By asking yourself these questions, you walk on the path of exploration, in getting to know yourself better. You can identify much more of what you are doing, and make changes once you acknowledge them. This is your path to freedom.
And to recap, remember, you are practicing keeping your attention upon yourself.
You listen and pay attention to your inner voice, and allow those who disagree with you to disagree.
IT DOESN’T MATTER.
You stop being intolerant of the intolerant.
You can easily accept others, even when they do not accept you.
There is no threat, because you know you are valuable, and you know that we all see things differently.
And you can HONOR another person without having to agree with them.
And now you have understanding and compassion, as their immature behaviors and emotional expressions, you realize are from the influence of trauma.
Are you beginning to see why it is pointless to blame anyone for becoming triggered, including yourself?
Are you beginning to see how all these steps and tricks I am sharing with you in the Tricks of Trauma Program, when applied all lead you in the direction of healing your psychological wounds? To become the best me you can be?
So, let’s end this episode with a story that illustrates how two friends can navigate their relationship, and remain in relatively calm waters, when one of them becomes triggered.
Let’s begin:
In a quaint coffee shop bathed in the warm glow of afternoon sunlight, Alex and Morgan sat, seemingly wrapped in the comfort of casual conversation. The air was light, and the ambiance peaceful, until an innocent remark from Morgan triggered an unexpected storm within Alex.
Suddenly, the atmosphere tensed as Alex's expression shifted from tranquility to a torrent of frustration and anger. The trigger had been pulled, and Alex's words became a forceful stream of accusations and bitterness. He was deeply suffering from the not enough syndrome, lost in the labyrinth of the Blame Game, and swirling in the victim vortex.
"What do you even know about success?" Alex snapped. His voice was sharp. "You live in your little bubble, oblivious to the real struggles that people have to face. Your achievements are nothing compared to what I've been through. If it wasn’t for all the shit I’ve been through...," and Alex lost his train of thought. His mind became confused as the haze of all his painful memories were trying to push up to his awareness.
Morgan, taken aback by the sudden outburst, chose not to respond, oppose, or match his energy. Instead, he maintained a composed demeanor, sensing that there was more beneath the surface.
"I'm sorry if my success seemed insensitive," Morgan replied calmly. "I never meant to invalidate what you have been through. If there's something on your mind Alex, I'm here to listen."
Alex's tirade continued, as each word became a release of pent-up anger. "You think you're so perfect, don't you? Always talking about your accomplishments like the world owes you something. Well, guess what? Life doesn't work that way. You have never been in the hell I have been in. Just look at you, galloping on your high horse, like King Farouk, living in your ivory castle," he spewed.
Morgan, resisting the urge to give him a piece of his mind, maintained a composed posture. "It sounds like something's bothering you, and I really want to understand Alex. Can you tell me what's really going on with you?"
Morgan’s words hung in the air, creating a tense silence. Slowly, Alex's anger began to subside, replaced by a mix of exhaustion and realization. He took a deep breath, acknowledging the intensity of his reaction.
"I don't know why I get so mad," Alex admitted, his tone softening. "It's just... things have been tough lately, and I guess I projected my anger onto you. I'm so sorry Morgan. I don’t know why I just suddenly erupt and I get so mad, and say all those horrible things."
Morgan, understanding the complexity of emotions, responded with empathy. "It's okay, Alex. We all have our moments. If you want to talk about what's going on, I'm here. No judgment."
As the storm of Alex’s emotions began to settle, the two friends found themselves on the brink of a different kind of connection – one becoming forged through understanding, empathy, and the recognition that sometimes, triggers do erupt, as they bring up dark echoes of the past. The deeper struggles, from Alex’s painful memories were all but forgotten, yet they cried, pleading to be addressed, acknowledged, and finally put to rest, so they could find peace.
And so, Alex learned to acknowledge his triggers, by addressing and moving into accepting his past hell, and the feelings they erupted in him. He did finally free himself from the tormenting grip trauma held upon him, and he witnessed himself transform and do what he truly desired. He simply let his heart sing, and he allowed his soul to guide him to live, well you know, happily ever after.
And so too can you, my dear friends.
Together, we can navigate our journey of self-discovery, as we long to reconnect not only with our genuine selves, but with others as well.
Now we can sit around our campfires and foster a genuine appreciation for who we are, provide support, encouragement, and discover the magic to heal and create the change we want to see in our world. One person at a time. Won’t you join me.
Until next time,
Take self-care.
Fantastic - excellent step by step guide!